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   Sports Have Made Us Insane
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   World Cup Fever.
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                     New York City has always been the center of the world, but in the last few weeks, the magnifying glass has been on us like never before. The lines for frozen yogurt and banana cream matcha lattes are snaking around city blocks, TikTokers are accosting people on the street to talk about confidence or rent prices, and our polarizing mayor is wearing offensively short shorts for photo ops. The weather is good, the sun is going down at 9 PM, people are drunk and sunburnt.
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                     Last week, the debate was about being a bandwagon fan for the Knicks, and the question of precisely who is allowed to root for which sports team. Some people seem to think you need documentation proving that you were born and raised in this amazing shithole to go to a packed bar and cheer on a team. That rule obviously discriminates against Midwestern transplants—the people who want to live in ugly new apartment buildings, work innocuous high-paying jobs, and walk their goldendoodle to Blank Street on Saturday morning. These people are obviously uncool, but they contribute to the city's economy, and the silver lining is knowing that they will soon return to their birthplace and regale their former middle school classmates with stories about their crazy few years in the city. If you aren’t trying to eat at The Corner Store, it’s easy to peacefully coexist with them.
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                     Sporting events bring out a certain type of person I try to avoid. One of the largest, the World Cup, has descended on North America, and it makes the Knicks bandwagoners look quiet and charming. The streets are again flooded with slow walkers from all over the globe who are paying $115 to park at MetLife Stadium in New Jersey (temporarily rebranded as New York New Jersey Stadium) to catch a soccer match. This sport dominates globally but will never really work here. We play it as children because it doesn’t require much aside from standing and running, a herding-cats-style operation where everyone is given a participation trophy at the end of the season along with a juice box. Then, once we are a little older, we choose something more down-home, like football, baseball, or basketball. Soccer requires amazing conditioning, hand-eye coordination, and, for the viewer, a stomach for boredom. The matches are long, the field is huge, and scoring is minimal. What is more un-American than a match ending in a tie? That said, soccer’s governing body, FIFA, is perpetually mired in allegations of corruption, most notoriously a decades-long fraud, money laundering and racketeering scandal exposed by a U.S. Department of Justice investigation, which might be the most American thing about the sport.
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                     UFC feels like something that only exists on my computer. I am not watching it, and I am definitely not paying to watch it. Last week, to celebrate America’s 250th birthday and his own 80th, President Donald Trump put together a fight-sports spectacle on the White House lawn that somehow cost $60 million despite having lower production values than an amateur stock car race in rural Alabama. Joe Rogan called the action in a tie so short it barely touched his belly button. One of the “winners,” Josh Hokit, defeated Derrick Lewis, and his victory speech caused massive controversy when he yelled, "Michelle Obama is a man. Am I right, America?” Which, even in a low-IQ gathering of that size, shocked most people who heard it. It was embarrassing and just plain stupid. What on earth, besides being kicked and punched in the head for years, would compel someone to scream that phrase in celebration?
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                     Why do sports make people act insane? I am not sure we will ever figure it out, but I am ready for a quieter summer. The meatheads have left our nation's capital to return to Austin and Orange County; the Knicks parade is behind us, but we have almost a month of World Cup action left. Hopefully we can stay relatively civilized until it’s all over.
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